Bones 5X02 — “The Bond in the Boot”

ashley“I try not to get attached to my assistants. I have learned that even the best ones can disappoint.”
Temperance Brennan

– – –

This episode is standard Bones. Funny, entertaining, and gross as hell, with a little extra something on top. But it was also not typical Bones, because the CIA and spies and scary guns and cars were involved. Most of the time, Bones plots revolve around murder victims whose lives don’t affect national security. They were playing with the big boys this time, and it was completely surreal and ridiculous. I loved it. Sometimes Bones likes to mess around with objects of particular legend, like that Black Beard pirate episode or the time Brennan shared Booth’s “hallucination” in the ghost episode, or that time on Halloween when they solved a series of murders and rescued a girl from a pit of snakes while dressed up in ridiculous costumes, or that time Santa Claus was murdered. My point is, this show has always had a little bit of an element of the ridiculous since the very beginning (that pirate episode was from season one). So, a tastefully done episode revolving around family, money, and James Bond seems only too appropriate.

Here’s What Happened

The episode opens in one of those Bones rarities: we get to see the actual crime. And how could they possibly resist this time? (I’ve noticed they only tend to show us the murder if it’s particularly juicy, like the soccer mom getting blown to hell in “The Soccer Mom in the Mini Van” and Brennan’s father crucifying and gutting that FBI guy on a roof and then lighting him on fire in “Judas on a Pole.”) Anyway, back to “Bond”: tonight our James Bond will be played by a slender but chiseled blonde guy, who very soon (and to very Bond-like music) finds himself getting his hand cut off in order to liberate a Halliburton case handcuffed to his wrist, and who is then shot and left to die, but not before he gets run over by what appears to be a car stolen directly from Bond’s garage.

Fast forward to Booth and Bones at the crime scene two days later, where James Bond’s face (and other parts) are being peeled off and eaten by feral cats. Cute, fluffy ones, too. Before they get down to the nitty gritty of dead body analyzation, we also learn that Brennan’s last book was a huge success and that she “never has to work again” if she doesn’t want to, and that Booth has to fix his plumbing or pay a plumber $800 (Brennan offers to give him money, but he refuses). Back in the Jeffersonian, thanks to some fancy observations by the weekly rotato, Wendell Bray (intern), they learn that the victim is most likely Russian because of these creepy leg extensions he possesses, but it turns out they didn’t even need to be so fancy. A state department stooge with a baby face briefs Booth later that day. The victim was one Yuri/Uri Antonov and he was supposedly a courier for a Ukrainian diamond manufacturer. Babyface dude manages to insult Booth in every way possible in about two minutes, questioning his loyalty, his capability, and tells him he’s old. (Then he says the magic words: “National Security.” Shit just got real. (And you can tell by the James Bond music.) We’re now ten minutes in, and that’s just the teaser. What is this? Battlestar Galactica?

Next up on this horrorfest, we learn that the funding for Wendell’s scholarship has been pulled, and since we know that he comes from a very much less than wealthy background, it basically spells disaster for him. Cam: “He’s one of us, even Booth likes him.” What can only loosely be termed as science via The Angelator helps them to discover that Antonov was killed by a man who drove James Bond’s car, or one very much like it. The name of the paint, for goodness’s sake, is “Casino Royale.” Cam mocks the boys for believing that James Bond killed their Russian (correction, Cam: Ukrainian, get it right). This of course causes Wendell and Hodgins (who got drunk together the night before and bonded) to waste a couple of minutes making James Bond impersonations. This is the part that reminds me of the pirate episode. Booth and Brennan meet up with Sweets in the diner to get up a profile of both victim and murderer, but when Booth is called away, Sweets takes the opportunity to intercede on his behalf with Brennan. He tells her that Booth is having a tough time right now and that she should support him by letting him teach her something, like how to plumb. Later, B & B find the James Bond car and the driver (aka murderer aka “James Bond”) is stuffed in the trunk. His face melts off. They also find a Walther PPK with the second body, and Booth freaks out: it’s Bond’s gun! He was CIA.

Back in the lab, the team is trying to find a way to save Wendell. Angela suggests Brennan start a scholarship, but she rejects the idea for reasons she probably doesn’t even understand. Then Hodgins starts in with his conspiracy theories, and oh how I’ve missed those. Brennan and Booth discuss money in the car. Both of them are worried that Brennan’s wealth will come between them, but Booth says important things can’t be bought with money. Brennan says, “I’ll never have to fly coach.” At Langley, CLARENCE WIEDMAN!!!! answers B & B’s questions. After some stick swinging antics, Booth finds out that victim #2 (James Bond) was a CIA analyst (and not a very good one, according to Clarence Wiedman), whose job was to analyze the internet for possible threats. Clarence Wiedman claims not to know why he would have assassinated Antonov, but it’s very suspicious, and Booth seems to think the CIA is hiding something.

Cam questions Wendell about his scholarship and man, that poor kid. He and his mom call his scholarship “The Miracle.” Guh. And then, hey, it’s the Garfunkel and Oates girl for the second time in 24 hours! I just watched her torture Sheldon on an episode of The Big Bang Theory last night. Garfunkel and Oates says victim #2, whose name was Greg Dorrit, was an exceptional analyst and that he was a pusher, as much a thorn for the CIA as a help. Booth smells a cover-up and gets G&O to spill: Greg Dorrit testified against a guy for being a terrorist whom he wasn’t sure was guilty, and who was released from prison the week before the murder. Pedro Marquez, former terrorist, is called into questioning. Meanwhile, Brennan tells Wendell about his funds being cut, even though the others had avoided spilling the bad news. While Wendell is still processing, Hodgins finds a bug in the guy’s something or other, which they trace back to G&O, who was using it to spy on her boyfriend, James Bond (Greg Dorrit). You still with me?

So Booth gets hurt trying to fix his pipes, because his Plumbing for Dummies book wasn’t in stock and he can’t remember his plumbing skillz. Brennan gets Booth to promise to teach her how to plumb, a not so subtle attempt to help him get his man parts pack. Later, Brennan buys him the book, but tells him he owes her $6.49. Anyway, Angela finds a code hidden in the goodbye email that Dorrit sent G&O.  They suspect Clarence Wiedman of killing Dorrit because of a convo overheard by G&O on the bug. Turns out Clarence Wiedman was a field agent in Russia, where he met Antonov. Clarence Wiedman created the loophole for Antonov to get into the country so that the extra illegal diamonds could be traded for political prisoners. Wiedman told Dorrit to stay away, but Dorrit didn’t listen — believing wrongly that terrorism was involved — and took matters into his own hands, etc, etc. But now that all of this information is leaked, the CIA is about to go to great pains to cover it back up again. The squints have ten minutes to solve the murder, because the  CIA is coming to collect the evidence.

What follows is this spy bomb defusing parody scene, complete with a countdown, that I absolutely loved. Under pressure, Booth forces some genius out of Wendell, who provides motive, means, and perpetrator: Lena Bronski, Antonov’s “employer,” who tortured Dorrit in order to get back the briefcase he stole off of Antonov. B&B convince Clarence Wiedman to let them stay on the case, and all three interrogate Lena Bronski, who admits to torturing Dorrit before leaving him for dead, only he didn’t talk and the briefcase is still missing. But! good thing Dorrit sent the encoded picture to G&O, because he encoded a map and a set of coordinates to allow his girlfriend to find the briefcase, which turns out to contain nothing so exciting as a bomb, only a USB drive. Also good news: Wendell’s job is saved. Anonymous donors provided a new scholarship fund to replace his old one, but we don’t know which ones provided it (Brennan and Hodgins are a given, but who is the third?) We close the episode with Booth teaching Brennan how to fix his pipes, and it is basically just sex pretending to be plumbing. (Booth’s pipe explodes.)

So What, Bitches?

This episode a lot more straightforward and simple than the premiere. Most Bones episodes are more plot driven and procedural than last week’s, and so my recap reflects that. More plot, less analysis. On the surface, this episode is about deception and secrets, something spies are concerned with for the good of the country. The squints lie to Wendell throughout the episode in order to protect his feelings (except for Brennan, who doesn’t see the point in all the coddling). And most importantly, Booth is hiding his feelings from Brennan (for her own good). So when Brennan celebrates their relationship at the end, celebrating that they have no secrets from one another. If you hadn’t seen the previous episode you might read this scene differently, take it straightforward, but Booth does have a secret and it’s because he is so close to her emotionally that he feels he can’t tell her.

Let’s tackle Booth first. The plumbing issue is basically a continuation of Booth’s plight from the last episode, but now we get to see Brennan’s side of it. Brennan is more man than Booth right now. He used to take pride in things like being able to say he could fix his own pipes: He needs to do this plumbing thang himself (with a Dummies book, no less). Accepting help is like admitting he isn’t the same man anymore. Sweets brings up the disparity in income thing in their “relationship” (a word neither of them even blink at, by the way). Brennan is very successful, which is something that under normal circumstances Booth would have no trouble with, but he’s feeling less than normal these days. He’s struggling to remember something that used to be very easy for him, and Brennan is set for life. Her publishers are giving her Rolexes and she never has to fly coach again if she doesn’t want to (she won’t ever want to). Sweets tells Brennan he thinks for once it would be beneficial if she were the student and let Booth have a little control back over his life. I love how she transitions it for him. She buys him the Dummies book at a used book store and then tells him he has to pay her back because it will make him feel good, and when he protests it turns into a discussion about buying things versus earning them (something the whole episode is concerned with). He complains that she would just hire a plumber, but she says no, she’d actually prefer to be taught how to do it herself. “I could teach you,” he says. And so he does.

The Wendell thing really got to me (and to Brennan). The squints are like a self-chosen family. It’s why what happened to Zach was so horrible for them. Over the course of the last year, Wendell has become “one of us.” His leaving dredges up Brennan’s trust issues, related to Zach and to her father and brother. She loved Zach like a brother and he disappointed her horribly, and her father and brother left her to grow up in foster care. All the men in her life have disappointed her (except for Booth, so far, and he intends to keep it that way). So saving Wendell is something that needs to happen not only for Wendell’s sake, but for Brennan’s and the rest of the team. I think it’s perfect that they chose Wendell for this storyline because he’s really the only new intern who’s made his way into the inner circle and been accepted there (Daisy dating Sweets doesn’t count). But Wendell’s scholarship loss also ties into something else that’s running throughout he episode: money. Brennan and that Pedro terrorist guy are both cut huge checks by powerful entities, arguably more than they would ever need, and on the other hand we’ve got people like Booth who refuse to pay a plumber $800, and Wendell who grew up very poor and depends on the generosity of others to “make his dreams come true.” Booth and Brennan solve their difficulties when Brennan realizes Booth isn’t jealous, he’s just worried she’ll miss out on the important things in life, the things that money can’t buy. Brennan sees the world through Booth’s perspective for just a moment, that solving cases with her and getting hugs from his son are more important than flying first class. It’s funny, maybe it doesn’t take a genius, but based on this conversation alone, I predicted before they opened it, that it would not be money or bombs inside the briefcase, but something more intangible, because that’s what this episode is about. It was a USB drive; it was just words.

Stuff That Made Me Wish I Wasn’t Eating

  • James Bond, aka Yuri Antonov, getting his hand sawed off with a knife. Spurting blood. Everywhere, and then the dude crumples like a kleenex under that car. This is okay, Fox, but no boobs, butts, or thrusting? I mean, what?
  • The fucking cat eating the guy’s fucking face off. I mean, SERIOUSLY.
  • Actually, all those damn fluffy cats eating that guy. I don’t think I’m exaggerating by positing that this is by far the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on television.
  • What in the fuck, you guys? This show gets grosser and grosser. That dude’s FACE MELTED OFF. AND HIS EYES WERE WHITE! I lied. THAT was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on television. Why hasn’t this show ever won an Emmy for makeup or props or whatever? It’s a crime.
  • Oh, honestly, MUST we pop out the disgusting eyeballs, Cam?

I also just wanted to let you guys know that I seriously freaked out when I saw this little man-eater. Because that is my cat. I mean, I knew he had a serial-killer face, but this just adds a whole new level of creep.

Booth/Brennan Sex Watch ’09

  • Brennan being all motherly about Booth’s plumbing injury. It’s her way of extending affection in a socially acceptable manner (she’s a doctor).
  • G&O assuming Booth and Brennan are sleeping together: “It’s okay, I’m CIA. My lips are sealed.”
  • Plumbing is sex. I guess this is the only way — besides resorting to another dream sequence — that Hart Hanson and Company could get the network to agree to a sex scene.
  • Booth: “Right, because none of that really matters.”
    Brennan: “Sometimes, looking through your eyes, I really believe that.”

Quotable

  • Hodgins: “Everybody poops. They even wrote a book about it.”
  • Angela: “I hate to break it to you, Jack, but you’re the guy who studies bugs, slime, and poop. It’s hardly assassination worthy.”
    Hodgins: “Hey, a lot of people would like to see me dead.”
  • Booth: “Yeah, it’s a little weird. You’re loaded, and you still don’t have a flat screen.”
  • Brennan: “Didn’t your book for imbeciles teach you how to avoid injury?”
  • Hodgins: “Because it’s a bug bug. Someone was spying on our spy who was spying on another spy. Come on!”
  • Booth: “Stick that little fuzzy ball in there and swish it around.”
  • Brennan: “Even with all the financial and intellectual contradictions, I still feel close to you.”
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Comments
13 Responses to “Bones 5X02 — “The Bond in the Boot””
  1. Sabs says:

    I thought of Hal when I saw that kitty! Also that Hal look alike makes an appearance in Bright Star (which is amazing, incidentally). Anyway, these recaps are great, and I don’t even want to think about how long it takes you to put one together, but I’m glad you do…

  2. heatherannehogan says:

    I love your recaps so.

    This was definitely the grossest episode of Bones ever. Also, that last plumbing scene was the sweetest. And gah! Those cats, licking their chops. Still not over it.

  3. Jeff says:

    Just watched this episode and my sister (ataleof2monkeys.com) told me about your recaps so I had to check it out! Very thorough and entertaining. I enjoyed the recap as much as the episode! I especially loved the “Booth/Brennan Sex Watch ‘09” and “Stuff That Made Me Wish I Wasn’t Eating” sections :) Keep it up!

    • Ashley says:

      Thanks! Come back and visit us often!

    • Jen says:

      Jeff, Ashley knows my real name so you don’t have to use my website, but thank you for the plug.

      I thought this episode was so fun. It keeps the vibe of the show going strong so we don’t get mired in the will-they-or-won’t-they of it all. Plus, who doesn’t love a little James Bond. But you’re right, it was grosser than they have been lately. The dude’s face melted. Ew.

  4. Ashley says:

    Re: Heather Anne: Yay! The Gordon Gordon episode from last season was my favorite!

  5. Robyn says:

    Anyone know what were the map co-ordinates – on Greg’s hand that he imbedded – again?

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